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Introduction
- Excerpt
It is easy to see how self-confidence benefits relationships. Built on the five basic principles outlined above, it undergirds strong relationships. There are no guarantees, and effective, enduring relationships, obviously, depend on more than self-confidence alone. Strong self-confidence simply offers greater depth to a relationship foundation. It is as if the foundation is embedded in bedrock. No, you probably won’t get it all right — display all five principles of self-confidence — the first time. That is unlikely. But, the point is that you don’t have to get it right every time, you just have to get it going. ______________________________________________ Thinking before acting, seeking as much information as possible before reacting, and being open and flexible to other alternatives, options, and choices are the hallmarks of truly self-confident people, and when you proceed into relationships with these hallmarks as benchmarks, you have supplied anchors that will help your relationship weather the storms of controversy, the high winds of discontent, and the cyclones of unhappiness. _______________________________________________ What could be more important than working to develop a more positive self — one of the cornerstones for relationship success? By continually working on your self confidence, you make positive and productive strides toward getting your own house in order before inviting anyone over. back to top Introduction Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 2 - Explore the unknown - Excerpt
Let’s look at some of the barriers that hinder effective listening. If it is so helpful, then why don’t more people listen empathically? There are three basic reasons, and they are all interrelated. First, listening empathically is not easy. It is far more difficult than simply taking note of actual words spoken and responding to them literally. Second, empathic listening requires that you get outside yourself by trying to share in the meaning, spirit, and feelings of another person. You’re not always willing to do this. Your ego gets tied up in your communication, and you get involved in your own thoughts and problems. The next time you’re involved in an interpersonal encounter, notice how hard it is to concentrate on what the other person is saying. Do you begin to plan what you are going to say next before the other person even has a chance to stop talking? Do you critically analyze how the other person talks or looks? Do you try to figure out how to impress him or her with your next comment? Do you become quickly bored and quit listening only to let your mind wander to other subjects and interests? How can you share in another’s meaning, spirit, and feelings when you’re tied up in your own interests and concerns? The third reason you may not listen empathically is ingrained in listening habits. You may listen too literally or too judgmentally by habit. You may habitually think of communication as a talking medium rather than a listening medium. back to top Introduction Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter
4 - Build Friendships - Excerpt
Another area of freedom often negotiated is how much partners will be together. Suppose, for example, one person in your friendship enjoys what you might label “smothering,” whereas you want more openness and less togetherness. Can openness be negotiated? Is flexibility possible? You may end up weighing your reasons for maintaining the friendship against your need for freedom. People need self-fulfillment, and this is best realized when they are not too limited nor too restrained by their relationships with others. There is something you need to understand about friendships and freedom. To make the friendship work, it will require time and effort. There is no relationship that will provide you the same degree of freedom and independence you had when independent of the friendship, and no friendship will offer everything you need for the complete experience of being yourself. Many of the answers you seek regarding who you are and what you want to become, must come from yourself, not from another person. In many cases, your partner in friendship will only be a friendly, accepting bystander. The burden for developing self-esteem, self-confidence, and the ongoing quest involved in self-discovery will continue to fall on your own shoulders, not on those of your friend or partner. back to top Introduction Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 5 - Understand Gender Differences - Excerpt
One of the important reasons for knowing the differences has to do with empathy. If you know that your partner is expressing his or her self because that is the way many men or women do, it is easier for you to be supportive and accepting. Such empathy enhances relationships. Also, because such differences often generate criticism, lack of understanding, or annoyance they can cause relationship problems and conflicts. A second benefit of knowing gender differences is sensitivity. Acknowledging gender differences is not unlike acknowledging any other differences that occur between partners. Encouraging and promoting sensitivity and concern can only serve the important purpose of promoting peace and harmony. A final benefit of knowing gender differences is improvement. Gender differences are important, and when you learn how they affect your relationship, not only is the communication you have with your partner likely to improve, but your entire relationship is likely to improve as well _______________________________________________ Gender differences — and differences in needs because of gender — must be understood and bridged because they are slow — if not impossible — to change. _______________________________________________ back to top Introduction Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 6 - Increase Your Commitment - Excerpt
In every discussion of sharing emotions with others, one question always seems to be brought up: Why is it that whenever your relationship partner becomes emotional, he or she always seems to take it out on you — first? If you think about this, however, you are the person your immediate relationship partner is around the most. Not only that, you are the person with whom he or she is probably most comfortable. In addition, you are the one from whom he or she is likely to get the most support and comfort. An advantage, too, is that two heads are often better than one. One of you can calm the other, suggest possible alternatives for the other, and perhaps provide the only outlet that the relationship partner needs! Sometimes all you need is a listener — or a shoulder to cry on. Relationship partners are often excellent channels for emotional outlet. Think of it as a compliment — your relationship partner thought enough of you to come to you first! Your emotions and their expression give you an opportunity to learn more about yourself. By looking honestly at how you feel and how you can best share your feelings with others, you can grow beyond immature reactions. Emotions are energy. Learning to channel them can provide great satisfaction and can turn problems into solutions. back to top Introduction Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 7 - Consider Your Circumstances - Excerpt
What kinds of questions are important to ask of yourself if you want to do a fairly complete assessment of your relationship at this stage? Here are ten questions. Perhaps you can think of others. (1) Do you listen to and empathize with each other? (2) Do you give each other encouragement and support? (3) Do you play together? Do you play well? (4) Do you express your feelings openly and freely? (5) Do you ask each other for things you are not getting? (6) Do you accept and work through your differences? (7) Do you identify, define, and solve problems together? (8) Do you work together well as a team? (9) Do you share opinions, thoughts, and ideas without becoming defensive? (10) Overall, are you satisfied with the relationship? Just for fun, give yourself ten points for each “yes” and zero points for each “no.” Now, add up your score. If you scored 90-100, you can be certain (providing you were honest) that you have the foundation for a successful relationship. A 70-80 score suggests you either have a lot of changing to do, or that you really need to seriously consider what you are getting yourself into. You really need to do better than a 70-80 score. Obviously, 60 or below is troublesome. Good heavens, with a score of 60 or below it seems clear that you are headed for disaster. Is that what you want? Is that what you want to live with? Knowing that things are unlikely to change — with the potential of getting much worse — why in the world would you want to stay in this relationship? There have got to be a lot of other options, alternatives, and possibilities, even if it means going back to square one and entering the dating scene once again. back to top Introduction Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 10 - Manage Conflict - Excerpt
Most conflict situations encountered on a daily basis are not the extremely taxing kind. The better you know yourself, the better you will be able to cope with daily conflict. The better organized you are, too, the more likely you are to be your own person — autonomous. You need to be free to act and to deal with conflict, and you must avoid being pushed into action before you are ready. The people best prepared to cope with conflict are appropriately spontaneous. They have the freedom to express their full range of potentials, to be the masters of their own lives, and not to be easily manipulated. Successful conflict managers are open and responsive. They can appropriately assert their own independence without trying to stifle their partner’s. They show their independence by appropriately expressing their preferences instead of ordering, by expressing acceptance of each other rather than mere tolerance, and by being willing to surrender genuinely to another person’s wishes when it is appropriate to do so rather than simply pretending to submit. It should be clear that uninhibited, uncaring, selfish independence is not being condoned. Appropriate spontaneity and expression are emphasized. That is, independence needs to be proper, fitting, and suitable. It needs to conform with accepted standards of manners or behavior. You might wonder how to learn what is appropriate. You learn it from parents, in church, through friends, by observation, in the groups to which you belong, and by reading authorities. back to top Introduction Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 11 - Keep Intimacy Alive - Excerpt
One factor not discussed in previous chapters, nor yet in this one, is that it isn’t any single major ingredient or element that will promote, encourage, and develop a relationship in such a way that it can be expected to be long-term. There is no guarantee of longevity, as pointed out a number of times in this book, however, researchers, have come up with an idea that is better than anything else mentioned in this book thus far. _______________________________________________ It isn’t any “large element,” “special component,” or “major ingredient” that promotes intimacy. Partners build intimacy though hundreds of daily, ordinary, mundane moments in which they attempt to make emotional connections. _______________________________________________ It is through hundreds of communication moments that partners connect to share information and resources, seek support and comfort, form alliances, convey emotion, and effect change in their environment. These connections are not always purposeful, but they take on meaning when one partner understands some meaning from the other. For example, one partner might be upset with her partner for spending too much time on the Internet, and the partner on the computer may read this in her expressions (e.g., huffing while she picks up trash) or nonverbal cues (e.g., shaking her head back and forth in a gesture of exasperation) even though the partner picking up the trash may say nothing. back to top Introduction Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Chapter 12 - Recognize the Signs of Disintegration - Excerpt
Fortunately, there is a key to success in relationships. There is a better way, but it depends on an ingredient that must be present — that both partners must possess. _______________________________________________ What really determines the effect of an interference, conflict, or challenge is commitment. Commitment is the obligation partners feel toward each other and the relationship. _______________________________________________ Commitment is a positive quality that reflects responsibility and duty as well as fidelity. Also, commitment is a demonstration of loyalty, dedication, and faithfulness. Relationship strength — and longevity — is often directly related to commitment strength. How much do partners care? _______________________________________________ When the commitment is strong many obstacles can be overcome, and the process of disintegration can be reversed. _______________________________________________ Partners need not allow themselves to be victims of disintegration or victims of negative influences — whatever they are. They can fight back if they use the strategies discussed in the last chapter (Chapter 11, “Keep Intimacy Alive”), and improve their intimacy skills — also discussed in the last chapter. Even when/if disintegration has begun, it should be clear that at any stage, partners may decide to reverse the process by using the renewal strategies listed above; it must be clear as well that the farther relationships progress down the path of disintegration, the less likely it is that the process will be reversed. Too much happens, too many emotions become involved, and too much history becomes negatively influenced. back to top Introduction Chapter 2 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
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